Me vs. Bed Bugs, part XXVIIXIVXXI

As previously mentioned, I have a past with bed bugs.  I feel like the goal of each individual bed bug in the world is to hunt me down.  I think my blood is like the black truffle of the (bed) bug world.  A delicacy.  In my life, I have survived millions of misquito bites, fire ant attacks, bed bugs (twice), chiggers, spiders, and gnats.  Who gets bites from gnats??? I do.  So I'm used to it.  And sounds like that is a good thing seeing as LOUISVILLE IS THE 13TH MOST BED BUGGY CITY according to a Terminix poll.  So as an experienced bed bug war vetran, I thought I would share some sage advice for wedding guests travelling to Louisville, or DC, or Cincinatti, or Denver, or anywhere for that matter since BED BUGS ARE EVERYWHERE.

1. Never keep your suitcase on the floor in a hotel room.  They will crawl in, chill in your clothes, and then lay babies all over your house when you get home.  Use those little racks they offer you.
2. Check the mattress.  Lift up one corner and check it.  You might see a bed bug.  You might see some bed bug poop (little brown dots).  You might see some dead bed bug skins.  If so, run!
3. When you get home, leave your suitcase outside to debug and put ALL your clothes in the dryer.  This will kill the little suckers.
4. If you are really nervous, you can get plastic covers for your mattresses.  But that won't keep you safe.  They can live in your walls, carpet, furniture, etc.  But it might save you from some bites at night?
5. If you have a really good vaccuum, that can pull them up.
6. If you have a steam cleaner, the heat will kill them.

These are my best tips.  After the bed bug incident in Venice, I was heading home from that hotel and after baking my backpack outside for a week and drying all my clothes, they did not make it to my parents house.  I also googled, no reports of bed bugs at the Hyatt downtown for wedding guests.  And I am considering sending Beau off to be trained as a bed bug sniffer/hunter.  Have him bring in some bucks for the mortgage and his food.  That way, I can rent him out to people as they need it.  Brilliant!